Do I Want Children?

The funny thing about life is that the longer you live it, the more you realize the decisions you can’t make your mind up about become more and more clear. I have always had a distinct on going discussion in my head about whether or not I would ever want to have children. It’s funny because I realize my answer always fluctuated and it is highly dependent upon many factors in my life. All of which were intertwined in the amount of disruption a child would bring into my world. I know it sounds selfish, but for me it’s just been realistic. My first pregnancy was at 24 years old, with my boyfriend at the time. And without boring you with the toxic details, he plainly wasn’t who I was meant to do life with, and so god saw it best to lead me to a miscarriage. That was an awful moment in my life. I often reflect on that very moment, because the older I get I am reminded of the prayer I had, to never ever get pregnant again unless it was with a man that I could have a happy pregnancy with. Fast forward to now, I continue to believe that I have been protected from experiences that I would have regretted or not enjoyed. As I get older the thought of children become more and more apparent. I don’t want to rush myself into anything, but I also feel the pressure about it. I finally had an epiphany about it though.

I think that you can create the lifestyle that you want.

Agape Love

I realize the only time I feel confident about having a child is when I visualize the kid integrated into the world I have so intentionally created for myself. When I see a child like that I feel really good about it, but when I see a kid disrupting my flow, my ability to move freely through this world, uncivilized and against the status quo, it makes me uncomfortable and honestly sad. So many people have tried to convince me that this is the only way to successfully have children, but I just don’t believe that. I think that you can create the lifestyle that you want. My kids will be able to live within the way of life I have. It may not be what is “standard”, but it doesn’t mean that it is wrong. When I look at things from my own POV I realize I do want children, and I do want to experience that feeling of charioting a life through this world and watching the seeds that I plant and nurture grow. I think that might be one of the most valuable spiritual experiences you can have on this earth. Next to partnership there is no better opportunity to self-reflect, grow, and be inspired than through watering your own seed.